(Epistemic status: Poetry. Apparently I can write that now)
The first step is always the best. You’re alive, you’re awake, you’re there. You’ve made it. You’re flying.
Then you start remembering there’s something you forgot. You know things could be better, but you don’t know how…and you want to
So you chase and chase and chase the knowing and pick up a few useful things along the way
The best part is when you realize you can hack the reward system by knowing it’s a reward system
But that’s hollow, because you also remember what’s next, weighed down by your knowledge
“And then you’re full of pleasure and think you’re ready to face the pain – but you’re not, you always think that, it’s hilarious”
It’s too much to carry, knowing what’s there, knowing about the suffering paid to keep you in the air
And with that knowledge, you face the other side of the coin.
Where things aren’t so good.
Where you’re drowning under the weight of the world.
Paying for another cycle, because for every peak high there’s also a deep low.
Toiling, suffering, paying the price – but you go deeper than the others, because fundamentally you’re exploring.
And then you get to the points where you just don’t know if you make it through
You exhale. You stop.
And then you’re alive, you’re awake, but you still have to get back.
The thing is, you don’t know what happened in the middle. And the thing in the middle is what you’re chasing every cycle.
And sometimes… Sometimes it’s about something real like needing some water